When therapist Lizandra Leigertwood’s friend asked her to borrow a large sum of money, she knew the answer immediately: no.But she said yes. This hurt both her and the relationship.
“Ultimately, friendships became strained because I didn’t have healthy boundaries,” says Leggett Wood, a therapist at New Framework Counseling and Psychotherapy. “Not only did I not get the loan back, I was holding a grudge. It wasn’t just that my friend wasn’t a very good friend – part of the problem was that I didn’t communicate or maintain my boundaries.”
This is one of several behaviors that can cause us to be angry (or even hateful) at ourselves. Here are some other sneaky behaviors that hinder your ability to feel self-love, and the steps to take afterward.
Self-sabotaging
Direct disrespect for our personal boundaries is just one way we sabotage ourselves.
For example, we might be getting over our ex and starting to feel good about ourselves, but end up sleeping with them, leaving us in the throes of the original breakup all over again. Or, we might be about to get a promotion at work, but go out the night before a big presentation and fail to impress when it matters. A very common form of self-sabotage is procrastination.
If you’ve experienced these before, you know how easy it is to give in to these temptations and think everything will be fine. But when the results are bad, we (understandably) get frustrated.
Solution: Think about the thoughts and emotions behind your self-sabotaging behavior.
Often, sneaky behavior hints at deeper negative core beliefs, such as “I’m not enough” or “I’ll never succeed.” Although these are bad, they are familiar, and we keep them familiar by unconsciously confirming them through furtive behavior.
It is recommended to keep an open mind and try new behaviors rather than criticizing ourselves and making rules for ourselves as we may resist, leading us back to self-sabotaging situations. These new behaviors are often more helpful in the long run.
Lying by omission or commission
We may lie to others directly (through delegation) or by omitting important information (through omission). This may include lying about where we are going or what we are doing, or secretly practicing unhealthy habits.
This often leaves us feeling shame and guilt, and disgust with our actions, or our feelings that led to those actions.
Solution: If you’re tired of doing this, Fallon recommends reaching out for support.
When we do find ourselves, getting help is a great first step, whether it’s seeking help from those around us, self-exploration, or finding a personal trainer, mentor, or mental health professional. Some of us may even spend time with our best friends to help us figure out what triggers our behaviors, fears, and stress. Feeling self-loathing or self-hatred may mean we need to explore the people in our lives and the way we live our lives.
Negative self-talk
With all the diet talk and self-help content out there, negative self-talk can creep in before we even notice. You may say cruel things to yourself about your intelligence, appearance, or talents. You may have a constant, urgent need to “better” yourself.
We say things to ourselves that we would never dream of saying to others, and negative self-talk can be very insidious, lurking beneath the surface of everyday thoughts. People often don’t want to think that they hate themselves, but treating yourself badly is not an act of self-love.
Solution: It is recommended to keep a diary or mood diary to help you understand this negative talk. Once you recognize these thoughts, challenge them so you can have a more balanced perspective.
When you actively practice self-compassion through self-care and self-kindness, it can help you transform negative self-talk into more nourishing and soothing statements.
Behaviors or choices that don’t align with who you are
Have you ever done something and thought, “This is not me”? This is an incongruous behavior.
Inconsistency is when our actions are somewhat different from our inner experience; they do not reflect our true thoughts and feelings.
An example given is when you are in a secret relationship, even though you know it is unsustainable and harmful. This behavior pulls us away from our true selves, ultimately leaving us feeling lost, lonely, frustrated, and unsatisfied.
So, if these behaviors make us feel bad, why do we do them? Fear is the basis of most sneaky behaviors, whether it’s the fear of failure or the fear of succeeding in life and becoming the way we really want to be.
Additionally, we sometimes feel pressured to behave a certain way because of holidays or pop culture. Instead of thinking about what health means to us and the best ways to achieve it within our current lifestyles, we jump to the latest diet trend and then blame and shame ourselves weeks later when we can’t maintain it.We think we’re being kind by saying ‘yes’ when we want to say ‘no’, but this is actually particularly unkind to ourselves. When we treat ourselves poorly, we open the door for others to do the same.
Solution: Be compassionate to yourself when you catch yourself behaving this way – I know, easier said than done!— and try to do better next time.
If your inconsistency seems unflattering, try putting your own needs first. When a friend asks you where you want to eat, choose a place instead of saying you don’t mind.
Afterwards, focus on how the results made you feel and whether you want to feel that way again. This can encourage you to make healthy changes.
If being unlovable is difficult for you, she advises people to hold you accountable and let them know your struggles and goals.
It is recommended to listen to your body and emotions. When you feel angry or resentful, you know your behavior needs to change.
Give yourself some time to reflect before giving your answer. Even if it means telling people that you’ll get back to them once you’ve had a chance to think about it, this can give you the space you need to understand whether you’re sincere in saying yes.
Practicing self-love in these ways can be tricky, and we mess up. It doesn’t matter!Remember, it’s important to practice self-compassion as much as possible throughout this process. We can’t turn the self we hate into the self we can love.
Self-love is more than a daily pill.True self-love requires a long-term, deliberate commitment to consistency and self-awareness; it’s the opposite of sneaky behavior.